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Well, folks, we're apparently in the midst of a national emergency.
Another terrorist attack? No, thank the Lord (and knock on wood).
A stock market crash? An earthquake? No, no -- nothing like that.
No, this threat is much more insidious. The United States of America is being overrun by homosexuals who are looking to settle down. Y'know, marry that special someone, maybe have a couple of kids, get a little place with a white picket fence to call their own.
And the threat is so great that normal channels -- the courts, state legislatures, good common sense -- are insufficient. No, the President has proclaimed that the only method sufficient to rid ourselves of this terrible plague is a constitutional amendment.
Unemployment? National security? The widening gap between the haves and the have-nots? These are piddling concerns compared to the impending threat of same-sex couples committing to one another and, worse, being afforded the same rights that heterosexual couples are routinely granted.
These homesexuals have the audacity to stand up and denounce their status as second-class citizens -- to claim those rights that are assured to them by that obviously flawed document, the Constitution of the United States!
Well, if these evil-doers are intent upon using the Constitution to avoid being denied their rights, we'll just have to line up behind our President to ensure that the constitutional amendment he supports is passed swiftly!
All men are created equal? Sure, except fags and dykes.
Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness? Absolutely -- unless you intend to be happy with someone of whom our Great Leader does not approve.
In fact, I'm not convinced this proposed amendment goes far enough. I would suggest that the proposed amendment be amended to require that all marriages must be approved by President Bush (or the God-fearing, right-thinking, Supreme Court-appointed Conservatives who will succeed him in years to come) before any knots are tied. Our Leader knows what's best, after all.
Posted by brett at 02:35 PM | TrackBack