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Savvy political candidates strive to ensure that their fingers are on the pulse of the electorate. After all, if they don't know what concerns us, how can they possibly tell us what we want to hear, which is, let's face it, job one for any candidate seeking public office.
If one listens to the field of candidates seeking the Democratic nomination for president, for example, one could easily be lead to believe that most Americans are concerned about the economy, about the rising cost of healthcare, about the quality of the education their children are receiving, about the exportation of jobs overseas.
Republicans, on the other hand, seem to place national security at the top of the list (that, and making sure the rich get richer, of course -- that's a constant).
I'm not sure they're not all missing the boat, however. Judging by the spam I receive -- and I'm inundated with somewhere in the neighborhood of 1,000 pieces of unwanted email every day -- the problem that most concerns Americans today is the preponderance of tiny penises that don't deliver when called upon.
Apparently, this particular problem is rampant, because I get more mail on this subject than any other. I'm not sure how a presidential candidate might work this particular issue into a stump speech, but they've got professionals who are paid to handle such matters. Perhaps the promise of a tax break for those who purchase the various creams, patches, pills, and other remedies that purport to remedy these problems might do the trick.
But, as President Clinton understood, we all want to know that someone's aware of our struggles. Just knowing someone cares about your concerns can go a long way, even if he or she can't offer a quick and easy fix. So John Kerry might perhaps opt to go public with the revelation that he, too, has a wee, wan weenie (whether or not this is actually so matters not a whit -- it's likely he wouldn't be called upon to provide proof), that he fully understands the needs and concerns of all those men out there with diminutive, dormant dinguses.
John Edwards might choose to proclaim that not only was his father a mill worker, but he was also hung like a field mouse. This would allow Edwards to decry the fact that there are two Americas -- one in which some men enjoying the rich rewards that accompany the possession of a sizable penis which performs as it should and another America that sees millions of decent, hard-working men fighting the good fight every day, but coming up short.
President Bush, for his part, would probably avoid the subject altogether. Republicans aren't really concerned with such matters. When they're feeling less than manly, they just roll out the military and launch an invasion.